I remember the first time I opened Tinder, back in 2015, sitting on my couch with a glass of wine, thinking it would be a piece of cake. Swipe right, match, and you're done. Ha. Reality hit me fast: I sent a bland «hello» and the guy disappeared as if by magic. Ghosting before I even knew it was called that. Since then, I've tried everything on apps like this one, Bumble or even Hinge, and have accumulated an arsenal of tricks that actually work.
Today I'm going to tell you about those first messages that break the ice without making you look like a robot or desperate. Because, honestly, online dating is a jungle, but with the right opener, you can go from a fleeting match to a conversation that really flows. And believe me, after hundreds of chats, I know exactly what works and what sends you straight to the graveyard of dead conversations.
Why a good opener can change everything
Imagine this: you've matched with someone who seems interesting, their photos show an active life, maybe a trip to the beach or a photo with their dog, and their bio mentions something about books or movies. You have seconds-literally seconds-to get his attention before he swipes again. What no one tells you is that the first message is not just a greeting; it's your cover letter, the one that says «I'm original and I'm really interested in you».
In my years navigating these digital waters, I've seen how a generic opener leads straight to slow fade, that gradual disappearance that leaves you wondering what went wrong. On the other hand, a personalized one can ignite that initial spark, what in dating slang we call «chemistry» over chat. And believe me, I've had chats that started with a witty comment about a photo and ended in a memorable first date.
Here comes the interesting part. It's not about being perfect, it's about being authentic.
Think about the statistics that circulate in dating forums: on Tinder, the average number of matches that respond to a simple «hello» is very low, while something specific and personalized can dramatically increase your chances. I'm no scientist, but based on my own tests and those of dozens of friends I've mentored, I know it works. The opener is the hook. Without it, you're lost in the sea of notifications from any active dating app user.
The difference between getting an enthusiastic response and being completely ignored is often as simple as showing that you actually read the profile. And you know what, that already puts you above the 80% of messages the average person receives on these platforms.
The most common mistakes that kill the conversation before it even starts
Well, let's start with the basics, because we have all fallen into silly traps. The worst mistake is the copy-paste message, the one you send to everyone equally. Once, in a fit of laziness, I used the same joke about a Netflix series with several matches, and guess what: one caught my attention for being repetitive. Total embarrassment. The truth is that people notice when you haven't bothered to read their profile, especially if you comment on something that doesn't appear there.
Another classic is to be too direct or invasive, such as asking for the phone number in the first message. That screams red flag, and can scare off anyone with a modicum of caution. Don't. The transition to WhatsApp or Instagram should be natural, after establishing some trust over chat. I've seen this go wrong so many times I've lost count.
Also, avoid superficial compliments. Saying «how beautiful you are» may sound good in theory, but in practice, that's what everyone gets. I've been on the other end, receiving dozens of those, and I assure you it doesn't motivate a response. Instead, notice subtle details: an interesting tattoo, where they took a photo, a specific comment about something they wrote in their bio.
And you know what else doesn't work? The interrogation. Asking three questions in a row without sharing anything about yourself turns the conversation into a job interview, not a natural exchange. There's also the opposite extreme: writing a paragraph of dense text that reads like a novel. Notice that the balance is key-interesting but concise message, inviting question but no pressure.
Finally, don't ignore timing. Sending a message at 3 a.m. can give off the wrong vibes, unless you're both clearly in night owl mode. I have to admit that I myself have ignored messages that came at odd times, thinking of possible unhealthy situations. Context matters.
Copy-paste detected
Sending the same generic message to all your matches is the fastest way to get ignored. People notice when you haven't even taken ten seconds to read their profile. Each person wants to feel that they got your genuine attention, not that you are part of your quantity over quality strategy. Personalize at least minimally.
Too direct, too soon
Asking for a phone number, proposing to meet, or throwing overly intimate compliments in the first message generates immediate distrust. Dating apps exist precisely to get to know each other in a safe environment before taking the next step. Respect the process and build rapport gradually before moving the conversation off the platform.
Empty and superficial flattery
Generic comments about physical appearance are the digital equivalent of having nothing interesting to say. Everyone gets «how handsome you are» dozens of times. Instead, comment on something specific that shows you actually looked at their profile: an interesting hobby, a unique location in their photos, or something witty in their bio.
Openers formulas that generate real answers
Now, let's move on to the good stuff. The trick is to personalize based on their profile, but with strategies that really work. It's not about reinventing the wheel every time, but about having a mental framework that you adapt to each person. Here are the formulas that have given me the best results over the years.
The specific question about a visible interest
If they mention a hobby, such as mountain climbing, ask them about their latest adventure. For example: «I saw that you like to climb, what's the craziest peak you've conquered? I tried once and almost gave up halfway up.» That opens the door to a shared story and shows that you took the time to read beyond the photos. It works especially well when you add a little anecdote of your own-it creates symmetry in the conversation.
The key here is specificity. Don't ask «Do you like to travel?» when they have pictures of Thailand. Ask «What was the craziest thing you ate in Thailand?» or «How was the Phi Phi Islands experience?». Details, always details.
Humorous commentary bouncing off your bio
If his bio has a joke or pop reference, bounce off of that with your own spin. I remember one match where Hinge's prompt was «Worst thing I've ever cooked,» and I responded with an anecdote of my own about burning a frozen pizza. We laugh over chat for hours. Between us, humor is key to combat dating fatigue, that app fatigue we all feel after weeks of repetitive conversations.
Still, keep it light; no offensive jokes that can be misinterpreted. Self-critical humor often works better than outwardly directed sarcasm. And if you're not sure a joke will go over well, it probably won't-trust your intuition.
The open question that invites you to dream
«If you could travel anywhere right now, where would you go and why?» This type of question works because it invites you to share something aspirational without pressure. I've tested it on profiles of different demographics and it always generates engagement because it allows the other person to project personality and values.
That said, adapt according to the vibe of the profile. If someone has a more serious or intellectual bio, a question about the last book that blew their mind might be gold. Instead, if everything screams «adventurous,» ask about their most exciting experience doing something risky. Read the context.
The start with unexpected observation
Notice something others probably didn't notice: a poster in the background of a photo, an unusual place to take a selfie, a curious detail. «Is that a vinyl collection I see in the back? What was your last acquisition?» This kind of observation shows that you really paid attention, and that instantly sets you apart from the crowd.
The point is to vary. Don't use the same opener over and over again. Even the best phrase becomes monotonous if you repeat it mechanically. Also, different people respond to different styles, so having variety in your arsenal makes you more adaptable.
How to keep the conversation alive after the first message
Well, getting a response is only the first step. What many don't consider is that the second and third messages are equally crucial. I've seen lots of promising conversations die because someone didn't know how to continue after a good opener. The truth is that maintaining momentum requires as much art as the opener itself.
First, respond to what they told you with genuine interest and add something about yourself. Avoid the mistake of interrogation: ask, ask, ask without sharing anything personal. That creates an imbalance that makes the other person feel like they're in an interview. Instead, try the «answer + something of yours + new question» format. For example: «How cool about Thailand! I was in Vietnam two years ago and was fascinated by the street food - did you try any dishes that surprised you for better or worse?»
Now, pay attention to the timing of responses. If you notice that the other person responds quickly and with long messages, it's okay to keep up that pace. But if their responses are spaced out, don't saturate them with consecutive messages-that can come across as desperation or pressure. Natural flow is your friend.
In addition, it recognizes signals of when to move the conversation to the next level. If several messages have been exchanged and the conversation is going well, it's time to suggest switching to WhatsApp or Instagram, or even propose a video call before the first date. The truth is that spending too much time alone on the app can cause interest to dissipate. The ultimate goal is to meet in person, not to collect matches.
And you know what else helps? Knowing when to let the conversation breathe. Not every message needs an immediate response. If someone tells you something interesting in the middle of the day but you're working, it's okay to wait a few hours to give a thoughtful response rather than a hurried «haha yeah.» Quality trumps speed.
Finally, if you notice the conversation starting to flag-short answers, less enthusiasm-don't be afraid to revive it with a change of subject or a deeper question. Or, frankly, propose a date. Sometimes conversations die because both are waiting for the other to take the next step.
Signs that your opener is working (or not)
Learning to read the signs is crucial. Not every match is going to work, and that's okay. But knowing how to distinguish between «I need to adjust my strategy» and «this person just isn't interested» saves you a lot of frustration.
Positive signs include: quick responses with several details, ask questions back, use emojis or exclamations that show enthusiasm, mention things you could do together. If you see this, you're on the right track. Keep building on that energy without forcing too much.
Negative signals: monosyllabic answers («haha», «yes», «ok»), increasingly longer response times without justification, never ask questions back, answers that clearly did not require thinking. In these cases, it's probably not worth persisting. I've learned that pursuing someone who is clearly not interested only leads to slow fade or eventual ghosting.
Among us, there is also the breadcrumbing situation, where someone responds just enough to keep you hooked but never moves the conversation forward. If after several days of chatting there are no signs of wanting to get to know each other better or move things forward, you're probably being benched-kept as a backup option. Your time is worth more than that.
Note that these signals also tell you about your own style. If you constantly receive short responses from multiple people, perhaps your messages are too long, too intense, or not generating enough curiosity. Adjust and experiment.
Different contexts require different strategies
Not all apps are the same, and not all profiles are looking for the same thing. What works on Tinder may not work on Bumble, where women type first and that changes the whole dynamic. On Hinge, where you can comment directly on photos or prompts, your «opener» technically is that comment, not a post-match message.
On platforms such as Badoo, which has a more gamified «Meetup» function, the first message may be more casual because there has already been some sort of prior filtering. In contrast, in apps like The League or Raya, where exclusivity is part of the appeal, a more sophisticated or intellectual message may resonate better with that specific audience.
Also consider the cultural and demographic context. If you are using apps in different countries or languages, what is considered witty or appropriate varies greatly. I've had conversations with friends who use apps in Latin America versus Europe, and the differences in tone and expectations are remarkable.
Even within a single app, the type of relationship someone is looking for has an influence. Someone with a bio that clearly indicates they are looking for something serious will likely appreciate a more substantial and thoughtful opener. Someone whose profile screams «here for a good time» might respond better to something lighter and more playful. Read the full profile signals, not just the photos.
The importance of authenticity over techniques
Look, I can give you all the formulas in the world, but if you're not authentic, eventually it shows. Techniques are tools, not replacements for being genuine. The best version of a first message is one that reflects who you really are while showing respect and interest in the other person.
I have seen too many people fall into the trap of trying to be someone they are not to impress a match. Maybe it works to get a response, but then what? When they finally meet you in person and you're completely different, it breeds distrust and basically guarantees no second date.
Besides, online dating is exhausting enough without adding the burden of maintaining a made-up persona. If your humor is more sarcastic, use it (in moderation). If you're more direct and sincere, that's fine too. The key is to find someone who appreciates your natural style, not to force yourself to fit into a mold that doesn't represent you.
That said, authenticity does not mean zero filtering. You can be yourself without sharing deep traumas in the first message or making inappropriate comments thinking «that's just me». Smart authenticity is showing your true personality within the bounds of respect and appropriate context.
In the end, the most memorable connections I've had in apps came when we both let our guard down and were honest about who we were and what we were looking for. That doesn't always lead to a relationship, but it does lead to more meaningful conversations and less time wasted with incompatible people.
Read the complete profile before writing
Literally take a minute to review all the photos, read the entire bio, and notice details that others overlook. That small effort makes a huge difference in how your message is perceived. People appreciate when someone really took an interest in getting to know them beyond their first photo.
Find the balance between casual and interesting
You don't need to write an essay, but don't send something so short that it doesn't generate conversation. The sweet spot is usually 2-3 sentences that show genuine interest, include something about you, and open a natural door to respond. Too formal is a turn-off, too casual seems effortless.
Adapt your strategy according to the answers
If you consistently get the same kind of lukewarm responses, it's a sign to adjust your approach. Try different styles of openers, see which ones generate better conversations, and refine your technique. Online dating is as much about experimentation as it is instinct. What worked with one match may not work with another, and that's okay.
Keep safety as a priority
No matter how good the conversation, never share sensitive information in the first few interactions. Build trust gradually, and if something feels off, trust your instincts to identify warning signs. Security in dating apps is not paranoia, it's common sense in today's digital world.
When rejection hits you: how to handle it healthily
Let's talk about something no one wants to experience but we all face: rejection. Whether it's someone not responding to your opener, the conversation dying abruptly, or being ghosted after chatting for days, it hurts. Period. To pretend otherwise is to lie to yourself.
The first thing you need to understand is that rejection on dating apps is rarely personal. Sounds cliché, I know, but it's true. The person on the other end is playing with dozens of variables: maybe they got back together with their ex, met someone else, are going through something personal, or just decided there wasn't enough chemistry. None of those things are a commentary on your value as a person.
I've gone through phases where dating fatigue hit me so hard that I deleted all the apps for months. And you know what? It was the best thing I could do. Taking breaks is not giving up; it's taking care of your mental health. If you feel like every swipe makes you anxious, every unanswered message ruins your day, or you're constantly comparing your «success» to others, it's time to pause.
Also, work on your self-worth outside of apps. Your value is not determined by how many matches you get or how many conversations result in dates. Invest time in hobbies, friendships, personal development and activities that make you feel good about yourself regardless of your romantic life.
Finally, learn from each experience without obsessing. If a conversation didn't work out, it's okay to analyze what you could have done differently, but don't get caught in a cycle of over-analysis. Sometimes things just don't work out, and that doesn't mean you did something wrong.
Adjusting your strategy based on real experiences
See, online dating is a skill that is honed with practice, like learning to cook. At first, my openers were awkward, but after hundreds of chats, I started noticing real patterns that I could take advantage of. For example, I found that messages sent between 6-9 PM had better response rates than those sent during business hours-people are more relaxed and receptive.
I also noticed that varying my style according to the type of profile improved my results. For more creative or artistic profiles, a witty or abstract opener worked better. For more data oriented profiles or technical careers, something more direct but interesting generated better engagement. It's not manipulation; it's adapting your communication to your audience, something we do naturally in all areas of life.
One technique I recommend is to review your past conversations every month or two. Which openers led to the best conversations? Which ones ended in nothing? Is there a pattern to the profiles you had the best connection with? This information is gold for optimize your strategy on platforms such as Tinder and other similar apps.
At the same time, don't forget security. Before you get too emotionally invested in a conversation, verify that the profile is legitimate. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. And in the conversation itself, don't give out sensitive personal data right away-your full last name, exact address, place of work, none of those things need to be shared until there's real trust.
Ultimately, improving your first messages is an ongoing process. Trends change, platforms evolve, and so do you. What worked two years ago may not be as effective now. Stay flexible, observant, and willing to experiment without losing sight of who you really are.
Frequently asked questions about first messages onTinder
Ideally, send your first message within 24 hours after the match. Waiting too long may cause you to lose momentum or the other person may simply forget about you among their other matches. That said, you don't need to send something right away either-it's okay to take a few minutes to think of a genuine, personalized opener. The balance is to show interest without seeming desperate or disinterested.
Give it at least 48-72 hours before considering sending a second message. People have busy lives, and not everyone checks apps constantly. If after that time there is no response, you can try a different, lighter follow-up, but don't persist beyond that. Sending multiple messages with no response comes across as pressure or desperation. Sometimes silence is simply the answer, and it's okay to move on to other matches.
It depends entirely on the tone of the other person's profile and your natural style. If their bio has humor or funny references, definitely respond to that with something witty. If their profile is more serious or professional, a direct but interesting approach works best. The important thing is that your opener is congruent with your real personality-forcing humor when it's not your style shows, and vice versa. Authenticity always wins in the long run.
Generally best avoided. Generic comments about appearance are what everyone gets, and they don't set you apart. If you really want to compliment, make it about something specific and not purely physical: an interesting style, a genuine smile in a particular photo, or the energy their pictures convey. But honestly, focusing on common interests, their bio, or something unique in their photos generates much more interesting and memorable conversations.
The sweet spot is between 2-3 sentences or approximately 30-60 words. Enough to show that you read the profile, share something brief about yourself, and ask a question or comment that invites a response. Shorter messages seem effortless; longer messages can be overwhelming or too intense for a first contact. The key is to generate enough curiosity to make the other person want to continue the conversation, not to resolve your entire life story in the opener.
The final truth about the first messages
Look, after all we've talked about, the truth is simple: there is no magic formula that works 100% of the time. What does exist is the genuine effort to connect with another human person on the other side of the screen. The best first messages on Tinder-or any dating app-are the ones that show you cared enough to pay attention.
I have seen incredible transformations in friends who went from getting no response at all to having meaningful conversations simply by applying these principles. It's not about manipulating or pretending to be someone you're not. It's about presenting your best authentic self in a way that invites the other person to get to know you.
Are you going to hear back from everyone? No. Will every conversation you start end in a date? Definitely not. But if you improve your response rate from 10% to 40%, that means four times the chance of meeting someone special. And in the world of online dating, where numbers matter, that difference is huge.
So, the next time you make a match, take a deep breath, read the entire profile, think of something that genuinely intrigued you about that person, and write a message that you would like to receive. It doesn't have to be perfect. It has to be real. Who knows, it could be the start of something great. Or at the very least, a good conversation and an interesting anecdote to tell later.
Now get out there, start applying these tips, and let me know how it goes. Online dating can be frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes discouraging. But it can also surprise you in the best ways when you least expect it. And it all starts with that first message.
